I can think of at least six phrases to express uncertainty

When people say to “live in the present” I always just assumed they meant “while you are thinking about the future and past, make sure your clock is set to the right date and time.” The month of August made it clear that there is no better way of learning about yourself than to denounce past ignorance. As my time moves forward here in the southern hemisphere, my memories and future plans are losing significance. The village of San Francisco and its inhabitants have established themselves as my world, as my time frame, and there is no other choice but to live here in the mountainous, sunny present. Because of this, typing on this keyboard feels silly. How can you sum up a book if you have only just started it? How can I tell you what I have learned if I am in the process of learning it? But as things go, coming to the city is my unavoidable check point. Communication and awareness of outside happenings make me feel the need to contribute to the big pond of introspection called the internet. So, let’s talk premature certainties!

The past month was set into a really nice routine of holding meetings four times a week. Our youth promoters from last year were split into three overlapping groups: one to create a video about first aid, one a video about nutrition, and one to commit to the entire project of installing cocinas mejoradas. Our fourth weekly meeting was designated for younger-kid classes about the same topics that last year’s youth were educated on. So far we’ve done classes on integral health, self-esteem, and hygiene. I have learned not to be assuming when it comes to creating games for the kids. For the first class, Jaime and I created a puzzle that we were familiar with from our childhoods (childrenhoods?) that we so cleverly tied into the theme of the class. As I turned out, even with the answers drawn in front of them, many couldn’t figure it out. I made an unconscious assumption that they had a frame of reference for such puzzles and I was wrong!

Teaching the girls how to use the video cameras and a computer has been encouraging and entertaining. When they first started, they were nervous in front of the camera and wouldn’t keep it still while filming. Now they are giving each other direction, getting interesting angles, and asserting themselves when they think they need another take. They help edit and do voiceovers and search for resources in the community! It’s fantastic!

The cocinas mejoradas group started with Jaime, myself, and our coordinator Rolando going to all the girls’ house and speaking with them and their parents about getting a commitment to the project. Out of the five girls that committed, we have three remaining. I am so proud to be working with these three girls on a project that is bigger than any they have ever been responsible for. They are learning how to work with budgets, keep track of progress, manage contracts, receive payment… these jobs are huge! I can see the look of awe in their eyes when faced with so much responsibility and it gives me chills. I know the intended outcome has been youth empowerment all along but when it really happens, it makes me all emotional.

A big part of this month was transitioning from a guest to a town resident. I don’t know where one would technically draw the line but how people treat me has definitely shifted into the latter. There are a couple girls here that seem to have rival gangs going on. They are both about 22 and clearly don’t like each other. Luckily they can rely on alienating one another’s friends to reinforce this mutual dislike. At first I thought this rivalry only pertained to their volleyball teams but the allegiances seem to continue into the every day. I feel like I am being recruited. Whenever I talk to either of them they make snide comments about one another and probe me for anything negative I may have to contribute. Again, things that seem so much easier in English become confusing when I can’t communicate them as rapidly as other 22 year olds expect me to. I feel like I am in middle school when around these girls. If I am hanging out with girl A and girl B walks by she looks shocked that I would say hi to her at such an allegiance compromising time. Some more proof of residency, people have stopped being quite as tender about how hard I suck at volleyball. I like that now they yell at me just like they yell at each other. It makes me feel like part of the buds. I am learning lessons about jealousy and anger and how they translate into a small community. I guess deep down inside I had hoped that a small town would eliminate much of the social trash that large communities inspire. But, of course, coveting and self-interest are just as relevant anywhere. This is a lesson I learned moving from Southern California to Portland and one that I will probably keep being shocked by. It beats the alternative of deciding that everyone sucks everywhere. I have been practicing my people-relating skills lately. Not the phony stuff they teach you in social work school but the real, honest interaction that all humans are capable of if they push aside insecurity. When people make snide comments, I try to confront them head on rather than letting them get swept into a little side pocket of human decency. Or, instead of trying to laugh it off, I tell drunk men that I think the things they are saying to me are really quite terrible and not the least bit funny. It’s going well but I still have a lot of buckling down to do.

Any road of self-exploration that I have taken myself down has left me feeling unresolved. I shouldn’t even say “left me feeling” as that would confuse the whole nature of the word “unresolved.” I run in the morning, did I tell you that? I run about two miles uphill then walk it back to pamper my 60 year old knees. I go at 7am and it’s gorgeous and the sun peaks over the mountains and makes me totally forget how much I detest running. The relevance of this information is the time is allows me everyday to vent frustrations, examine my decisions, practice Spanish verbs, and come to deep existential conclusions. That last one is a joke, weren’t you paying attention? I said I haven’t concluded anything yet. But I know where my weaknesses lie and what I need to do in order to be super pumped to hang out with myself all the time. My future plans include this continent for as long as money will allow and feelings of self-reliance are giving force to those plans. I miss my friends and family like crazy but I can see how necessary it is for me to remain lonely right now. While I was in California my mom told me that it’s good to take a couple legs off a tripod and see if it can stand with only one. Ok, that’s not even close to the beautiful metaphor she used but I can’t remember what it was anymore. The point is that I need to learn to be an omnipod.

Perhaps in the future I will create more resolute, conclusive blog entries, but right now it doesn’t feel like the truth. I don’t feel right about trying to communicate the constant motion and fluidity of my thoughts here. Something that doesn’t change is my love for those back home, you know who you are. Ya’ll give me strength just by the knowledge that you exist and I really hope everyone’s lives are swimming along with passion.

Some pictures:


My host family!!!


Working on a personal garden to provide us with vegetables


The Santa Rosa Festival


Truck trips to other towns


Filming the nutrition video


Presenting the materials for the cocinas!


Constructing


The final product


Our three cocinas mejoradas girls


Our secretary working hard at the meeting

Ciao!